I Go to the Gym to Sweat. And You?

I'd like to address a trend in the world of working out. Granted, this phenom has been a steady occurrence at my gym, but today I saw a sample of done-up-ness I felt necessary to discuss in my turquoise green forum. This annoyance is in the form of women who prepare for the gym by acting as if they are doing out for the evening. When I get ready for the gym, I roll out of bed (or off the couch), put a ratty sports bra on, a pit-stained tee from c. 1997, Target brand shorts, mismatched socks and my stinky old Asics. I do not wash my face, I do not style my hair and I most certainly DO NOT apply makeup. In fact, it's a lucky morning for the guy on the elliptical machine next to mine if I've brushed my teeth. It's the fucking GYM people!! The purpose of its existence is for its attendants to SWEAT! Therefore, I find it highly ridiculous that many women (and some men, mind you) go to great lengths to look good while doing so.

To clarify, allow me to describe the woman I saw earlier today. This young lady, shall we call her Bimbo?, sashayed past my spinning torture device in full peacock-esque "I'm-a-lookin'-for-a-man-to-notice-me" regalia. Hair was "done," and worn down around the shoulders (how the fuck can you run, bike, jog, ellipt, with hair all over??), makeup was worn with full flourish (is she wearing fake eyelashes??) and her outfit was stylish, expensive and BONE DRY. For this last trait, I was jealous, as I perspire from basic respiration. I know I sound like a hater, but what the hell is she doing there if not to work out? I know the answer, I just don't understand it. Plus girls like that make the rest of us who are trying to shape up look extra sloppy and obese. As she walked by, I immediately felt like I belonged in the bell tower with a hump. Instead of standing tall and feeling pride in my hard work and sweat, I slumped over and started to to skip on the treadmill with spittle collecting in my mouth corners. I know my place people.

So to all the women who walk around the gym and flirt as your form of cardio, please do so on the ground floor, near the men and the weights, and away from my damp corner of suffering. You'll be fine and I'll look better because of it.