Zen Cave

Of course that feeling of confidence care of my advisor lasted a whopping 48 hours and the dark cloud of discouragement returned. And it was pissed. Last week I found myself spending more time crying than writing while in front of the computer. I think I was secretly hoping to electrocute myself through the keyboard. The wind would blow and I'd be in tears. We're talking nuclear meltdown. All of my usual "snap out of it" tricks were useless. Ice cream, hot baths, retail therapy--all left me empty. Then my neighbor Denise walked passed my door and caught me in one of my seemingly regular sob-fests. "Body work!" she insisted through my screen door. "Come by the office on Friday." I complained about a lack of time (D-Day is in two and change weeks) and she said that if I didn't care for myself now, I'd be too far gone to recover once I defended. And what if I made myself sick? I certainly didn't need to be ill in the midst of all this. So to into her Zen cave I went and I have been SAVED!!! An hour and a half of intense massage and acupuncture and I am a new woman. I will spare you the details of how my body detoxed itself but I'll just say that I've never sweat like that before and that says A LOT. Apparently I had a "blockage" in my chakra, or soul or head or energy lines. Whatever it was, it has been exorcised. I haven't felt this good in a month. I just hope it lasts. And if not, then back to the Zen cave I go!

Tons Better

I had a nice meeting and dinner with my advisor yesterday and am feeling *tons* better about my work and our relationship. I had started to think he hated me between the super critical feedback on my dissertation drafts and lack of communication. And I was even able to smile and act nonplussed when he said he hadn't read the most recent chapter (submitted three weeks ago) because I was drinking a beer he payed for. We talked about my research and how he thinks it will actually make a contribution to the field and how he also thinks it will make a nice article in a major journal. More smiling for me. So I'm back to loving my chair after many, many months of cursing his name.

Senioritis

I didn't think it would happen but senioritis has struck. This morning one of my friends and colleagues asked me to help her with a teaching event she volunteered for up at school. My first response was a loud, unfriendly grumble, followed by a hemming and hawing of sorts and finally, "ask one of the new eager beaver kids and if they bail, I'll help." The idea of going to campus to help with something used to make me gleeful. I was their go-to gal. Now, I could give a shit. I'm over it--and them. How sad! But after five years, and with a new job and life on the horizon, I suppose it makes sense to want to close the door on the old. Plus the dissertation has made me into the grouchiest person! Grrrr!!

Diss Update

Today I finished chapter two of my dissertation. So now I have the intro done, the first chapter (lit review) done and now the research methods completed. The final chapter is about the findings and after that, my conclusion. I'm down to seven weeks until I defend, so I'm on track. Now for revising chapter one, which is my next challenge, I'm not so stoked. My chair thinks it sucks so it's not just revising, but getting past all the self-esteem bruising comments he's included. Ugh.